Secret Pain

Deep within all survivors of any form of abuse there is a secret pain that we all carry. The guilt that really isn't ours to bear, the shame, the blame,the ever lasting fear, the distrust and disgust. Many of us have carried this pain from childhood into adulthood. Many have dreamed that the horrible trauma we suffered in childhood would vanish as we became adults only to find a crueler more terrifying world of abuse. We learned at a very tender age that the word trust is just a word and doesn't really exist in our world.
   After many years of childhood trauma and adult abuse in many forms, I find that I still keep a piece of my secret tucked away, hidden from view. I dare not release it out of fear that I will be viewed as less than a person. You see believing that you are a person with good qualities is especially hard after someone has pounded it into your head that you are worthless, a nothing and will not be loved or be important to or by anyone.
   Those who have not been abused often do not understand the pain or insecurities of someone who has. They do not know what it is like to have their basic rights such as speaking your own mind with your own ideas and dreams, sleeping without being woke up to rape or beatings is. An abuser strips you of all of these so they make control your every emotion and action by fear. A fear that remains with you long after you have left the abuse.
   After all of these years of holding in my secret pain, I've chosen to release some of it within the pages of my site. The rest will never be spoken and forever remain inside of me as my secret pain.

Tears of an Angel wrapped in sorrow
    tell me why you fear tomorrow
    and why the pain so deep in you.
           stay hidden not in view.

    Tears like diamonds made of ice,
   On your cheeks so pretty and nice,
   so pretty we can't see your sorrow
or feel the pain we know will follow.

      The question that I have to ask,
      Is why you can't forget the past
It's long time gone, and hidden from view.
   The past is just what makes you, you.

    Just like the pot that had the crack,
   look forward now, stop looking back,
    and dry those tears of diamond ice
   upon your cheek, so pretty and nice.

Forget the past, don't fear tomorrow
   share the pain that brings you sorrow.
   I'll bring laughter and a smile so wide,
     to help you find the child inside.

       I'll do my best to set you free.
       An Angel for the world to see
    Then if you need me, you just call,
     and I'll be there to stop your fall.

(nothing on this site available for download)
Site owned, designed and maintained by Susie ~~ Last updated 01/04/08

*Disclaimer & Credits*

I'm Susie , a mother, grandmother and wife and I am a survivor of domestic violence and child abuse. Although I'm happily married now and appear outwardly happy and sane to the world , I carry a secret pain that up until now has been so difficult to express to anyone.This page is a representation of the secret pain that a lot of abused women carry within themselves. It is intended to let others who carry this secret pain know that they are not alone and to let those who have never experienced abuse to get a better understanding of how many abused women feel.

This beautiful poem was written and sent to me by Mowjo a very special friend
                He has graciously allowed me to use it . Thank you Mowjo!
         You may view more of his wonderful work at The House of Mowjo
   His site is temporally unavailable,We hope he is up a running again soon.

Diamond Tears

~~~~~~~~~~

And is used with full permission. Thank you Mr. Anderson!
You may listen to more of Mr. Anderson's beautiful music at
http://wgadesigns.com/music

Alternate Guestbook

                                     I have the secret pain of:
                                       Always wondering why
                                    Doubting my own self worth
                                Nightmares of the past as I sleep
                               Trying to live with what happened
                            Remembering the pain of the beatings
                          Knowing I will never fully trust anyone
                          Thinking I will never have a normal life
                         Trying not to let others know I'm in pain
                  Thinking I was to blame although I know I wasn't
                 Knowing my body was invaded without my consent
             The sight of the scars that show on my body from abuse
            Knowing I can never tell anyone all of what has happened

                          Always hiding my pain from the world.

Knowing some of my abusers were trusted family members

If you are a survivor and would like a plaque similar to this one
( minus my picture of course) I would be happy to make you one.
Just send me your name and URL.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433